sorry i’ve been MIA again. as if anyone cares. i went back to inpatient treatment at the beginning of november and have been in treatment since. i’m really struggling right now, as i’ve stepped down to php and am close to being weight restored for the first time in almost 2 years. it’s been really difficult to continue with recovery at this point and i’m very depressed and disgusted with my body and yeah. idk just a little useless update

1 . 1

finally home after 6 weeks in IP/res and i’m really fucking fat now lol

9 . 23

i’m scared to be so far from everything i know ):

7 . 26

thanks, i really need it right now <3

7 . 24

getting admitted to inpatient treatment in colorado in two weeks lol

7 . 24

i am so fucking unbelievably miserable. i have the most incredible boyfriend in the world and a family who loves and supports me and so much potential and i’m still fucking miserable. i still want to kill myself. i still just want to lay in bed and starve myself to death.

i’m supposed to start PHP on tuesday and i’m making my boyfriend call on monday and tell her i want to wait another few weeks. because i’m not fucking small enough yet. and guess what? I’m probably still not going to be small enough by that time either because it’s never going to fucking be enough. i’m SO fucking sick of thinking about food and weight and calories and numbers every second of every day. it’s so exhausting. so so fucking exhausting. but i’m infinitely more terrified of having to gain weight and eat 3 meals and 2 snacks every day in treatment than being stuck with this for the rest of my life.

i’m so unhappy with who i am as a person and where i’m at in life but i’m too fucking scared to change anything. i’d rather just die than have to deal with the world and everything that comes with being an adult. it’s just too overwhelming. i can’t do it. and it’s absolutely pathetic.

i’m just an ugly fat disgusting infantile waste of space.

6 . 6

LOL apparently my weight qualifies me for needing inpatient and if my blood work and physical show any health problems, I won’t be able to do PHP and will have to go out of state for IP lol awesome

5 . 28

why am i so fucking fat

5 . 24